I relapsed.
I haven’t felt suicidal in almost 2 years, but it came back briefly a few days ago.
I have so many reasons to live, and having those old familiar feelings that ‘people would prefer not to have to deal with my depression’ was so hard. I was sitting next to my husband, who loves me with everything he has, but I am still working on seeing and accepting what I know to be true.
A year and a half ago, I went off psychiatric medication that I had been using to numb my pain off and on since I was 18. I wanted to put my focus on lifestyle tools to get me through the emotions one experiences from the traumatic effects of narcissistic abuse.
I am so grateful I did that because I have learned incredible tools, and I rarely feel anxious after over 55 years of little anxiety relief. The one thing I have yet to release is deep depression. Someone once said depression comes from rejection, and that resonated.
I shared the depth of my pain with my husband because I know how valuable my life is to him. I will always honor that, no matter how much I hurt. I was prepared to go to the hospital and take medication so that I did not take my life. I am through it, praise God, and I don’t foresee myself going there again. I am stronger from this fall, too.
While this may sound horrific to people who know little of deep suffering, I can assure you this was my best response. I do regret communicating while I was emotional to people unprepared for my pain. I am sorry for any ungodly behavior that I have succumbed to. Now, I recognize that such behavior is physiologically out of my control when my body has clamped into survival mode.
I want to thank those who have prayed for me; it is my deepest treasure.
I would ask for continued prayer for my partners at the @redemptionpress and me. Please pray for the readers who are going to feel seen for the very first time and begin walking into freedom from abuse, as I can model.
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please stay in touch at https://charlottessoul.com/
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