A unique aspect of recovering from a life of traumatic abuse and neglect has been learning to connect with people with whom I previously remained isolated.
My insecurities kept me out of the smart circles where I am now comfortably seated. After over fifty years, I have developed the mental clarity that was stolen from me by those who tortured me emotionally and made me question the value of my existence with their cruel teasing, put-downs, and lack of encouragement.
Those in my past neglected my God-given talent to communicate with hurting people. I had to find supportive resources on my own as I dodged the effort of those who I thought loved me, making me believe I was the failure they made me out to be. They collectively criticized my accomplishments and pointed to the money tied to me, if I had anything to celebrate.
When I mentioned that my first book is on Amazon, one parent responded in a negative tone: “Yeah, but you self-published, right?” They wanted to make sure I didn’t feel confident about my accomplishment. Such discouraging comments from the people to whom I turned for assurance that my existence was valid were meant to ensure I wouldn’t reach the healthy road I am on today.
No one suspected I had the capacity for the mental clarity that I have now that I am safely detached from those who made me feel like I had to earn their love by showing up as someone I am not. No one wanted to admit my previous mental illness was a result of emotional torture from those I turned to for love and support. The abuse took my mind as I served as a scapegoat in a family willing to support deep darkness to keep my light from bringing the change it was ordained to do.
My mental clarity has arrived along with support for my gift of communication. I am no longer being controlled by the money I walked away from to use my voice. No one likes me sharing the cruelty I endured, so they canceled me and took the loyalty of the children I loved so well. The abuse continues as no one has reached out to my sons or me to say what needs to be said so that healing and reconnection can happen, and healthy people can begin to navigate life together.
The cruelty was meant to keep me from trying hard things and stepping into my gift lane, but God had a different plan for my life. God remade me from the debris that was left behind by those who required a certain version of me to be included; the shadow of me didn’t survive the fire they set to my heart. She is gone, and I am finally here. God led my new husband, whom they widely slandered out of ignorance, and me to find support from smart, talented people who recognized gifts that had been intentionally criticized in my past, so that I would not become the chain breaker I am today who will interfere with the poor treatment, especially of women, that has been accepted in my background for generations.
“The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
My past was at work to keep me from who I am today, a perfect example of spiritual warfare. Many people do not realize the demonic forces working within a generation that chooses the ways of the world while neglecting the fear of the Lord. In dysfunctional homes, people neglect the Lord's call on their lives in exchange for what others think and for traditions normalized over generations of people who refuse to self-reflect and make the necessary changes to benefit future, healthy members of a legacy reclaimed by Christ.
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.” Matthew 6:24
There was no support to nurture my gifts and talents; instead, there were controlling efforts to force me into a mold not designed for me. My depth, self-reflection, and healing pose enormous threats to the generational curses that have kept Satan and his lure of the world on the throne where Jesus, the lover of our souls, belongs.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12
I am a chain breaker; those of us with such a calling endure unimaginable pain and rejection from those we gave everything to, because we no longer agreed to the death of self for the sake of a façade that is detrimental to all. The pain is a strengthening process put forth by God so that chain breakers are indeed fit for the calling God has over our lives. The important work that includes incredible loss will impact generations who would otherwise drift into the world's lure, mocking righteousness.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1 2-4
The calling is ordained for those of us who survive Satan’s biggest blows, like finding out randomly on social media that your son goes to Yale, because no one recognizes your value enough to share such an accomplishment. I was canceled by all when I walked away from the abuse and began to share my reality. My side of the story is too much for many to accept. No one wants to see their part in the cruel truth that everyone denied before it became undeniable in the transformation of who I am outside of abusive environments. It's hard to deny that, despite all my losses, love fills my cup to overflowing because I have allowed God to remake me into the vessel He ordained.
In a toxic environment, it is preferred to erase the victim who finally sees the truth and is pursuing health with forgiveness and boundaries. Owning reality makes it impossible to deny the depth of deceit into which so many have sold their soul to fit into the lies of the devil and avoid the truth: Jesus.
“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6
That’s the kind of life-changing pain that chain breakers must endure to eradicate the lies into which we were born. The work is required to prevent another generation from accepting sin as a valued tradition, rather than setting up a healing camp at the metaphorical throne of Jesus. Only other survivors can imagine the pain, which almost led me to death by suicide and cancer. Rather, the pain and rejection were the exact amount of loss required for me to let go of my will and receive the Lord as my all and all, with no regrets.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5: 3-5
It all becomes clear as our previously abused self rises, like a phoenix out of ashes. We develop the strength and fortitude to do anything, partly because everything we once valued was removed from our healthy future. Surviving unbearable trials has made us fully equipped to do the work God has prepared for us, through the deep suffering as He remained present, ensuring it didn’t take us out, but that we would hurt enough to develop the strength required to serve the masses.
“no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 54:17
My calling is finally evident as my authentic self has found fertile soil to grow and blossom.
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-4
Survivors face unbearable pain while God leads us away from former familiar places that only accepted our shadow. Although it hurts, the redirection away from the familiarity of all we loved that didn’t love us back includes a rebirth, free of the desperation to be seen and valued by those to whom we gave all we have. The excruciating journey of loss and what feels like rejection tramples the weakling created by shame, guilt, and fear, through gaslighting, lying, and rejection from people who should love all versions of us and celebrate our growth and recovery.
I've learned that when people don’t love themselves, they can’t love or value others. Satan makes self-love sound like narcissism, but that’s a tactic of the devil supported by many emotionally immature Christian leaders, who can and should do better in a world full of abuse.
Recovery requires a daunting journey. We don’t choose it, but it is forced upon any who must remain true to the powerful spirit God placed in us, even if it means persecution from everyone ordained to show us love. In an abusive environment, there is a reality that must be faced; others have worked together to bring about the demise of the scapegoat who doesn’t play well in the sick family. Keeping a victim down sustains a lifestyle devoid of self-reflection. It is accepted as normal by most who were groomed with a lack of conscience and are too smart and egocentric to recognize the wickedness into which they partake. Even if only through silence in the face of slander, those who do not stand up for righteousness are actively participating in evil in the eyes of the Lord.
“Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.” Matthew 12:30
The pain and loss change us. A devastating form of confusing rejection strips away all we value; survivors develop the qualities of seasoned military leaders and a strength that will never again be moved by ignorance or emotional immaturity. Our innocence vanishes as we shrewdly use discernment to guide every future move. With nothing left of our previous selves, we focus on God’s calling, forming an inner circle with others on the same path. Trust replaces competition, sarcasm, and put-downs that fuel and sustain connection in toxic homes. The agony that the chain breaker endures is ultimately worth every tear because the strength that results will lead many into the light that was otherwise put out in the dark corridors of abusive environments.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us”. Romans:8 18
A chain breaker can’t tolerate the lies and pretense required to uphold the toxic family traditions that have become normalized. This disrupts the homeostasis of decades of accepted, dysfunctional, and destructive behavior. The darkness hates the light, and once the light becomes evident, a chain breaker is set in motion through the abuse of the scapegoat.
Those that defy the status quo of dysfunction are presented to the public and anyone shallow enough to listen that we are carrying the spawn of hell. Scapegoats get used to parents' put-downs, and the sarcasm about how we operate becomes something we join in on rather than try to prove we are better than the rude jokes everyone ultimately finds funny.
Our caretakers, the ones ordained to protect our beautiful innocence, act like and even say they love us. A scapegoat is treated like an annoying hound dog, caged outside in the rain, while the rest of the family enjoys a warm meal at a beautiful table by the fireplace, laughing and sharing memories. I am not exaggerating now it feels to be scapegoated. In case you tend to think that when someone tells you how they feel, that they don’t really know the truth and are a bit off. The things I conjured up in my head were not what the truth was, but it was what was presented as truth as a form of hurting me and making me feel insignificant so that I could be manipulated into my fifties.
I’m not ready to go into details, but stepping foot into social circles made up of smart, talented, influential people was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I could always pull it off well in short conversations, but if I spent too much time with others before I recovered, they might see the traumatized version that is happiest in isolation.
The traumatic effects the abuse had on my mind, physical body, and ability to think were catastrophic in my life before God brought healing into the work I was dedicated to. My recovery work and new family circle led me to realize there was something of value in my life, unlike the complaints I was previously saturated with, which reminded me of my failures and mocked the ways I survived their cruelty.
I see for the first time who God made me to be. All the pain has begun to fall off, and I’m living my best life for sure. I wouldn’t change a thing because of all I have to provide the world, which needs to start understanding the demonic effects of narcissistic abuse that is pointed primarily at Christians and others who are soft-hearted and trusting.
I was a bit crazy for sure, but I was a heck of a boy-mom until they began to outgrow the age where I was emotionally stunned and could no longer serve as a healthy leader. I needed to get well, but I hid it and pretended things were fine, while I endured what I was certain was God’s will. “God hates divorce”, “submit, and he’ll become the man you need” were the foolish, unthoughtful responses to my desperation to be seen in an abusive first marriage. Maybe those things work in many situations, but in a narcissistically abusive environment, that foolish advice amplifies sin, leading victims into great danger. Many receive foolish advice from uninformed pastors or church friends who lack discernment to seek God’s will for individuals and to listen to things that are hard to believe as possible. Many refuse to listen to the victim and give them dangerous advice from their own sense of wisdom and lack of experience in spiritual warfare.
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please stay in touch at https://charlottessoul.com/
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