Pretend relationships are required to maintain a dysfunctional façade.
I was too naive or trusting to realize I was the only one in all my relationships before now who cared enough to make changes. I learned, through unimaginable heartache, that I was making myself into someone people would like. I was looking for love from people who had no interest in me beyond the pretend relationship of care that I innocently mistook for reality.
Where there was neglect or a complete lack of interest, I saw love and inclusion. I took the rare moments that felt like love and let myself believe that, though it never felt secure, and I knew there was slander behind my back, we had a loving relationship. Everyone said, “I love you.”
In recovery, I have developed the mental clarity to understand that no matter what is said, the truth of how people feel about you surfaces in habitual actions. Words, thoughtless gifts like money or a call on your birthday, display minimal effort for a relationship seemingly unworthy of investment because there is no connection.
I was living in survival mode, turning a crisis reality into something I loved. I longed for human connection because money and social status were given far more attention than anyone’s heart. I found myself desperate to be seen and loved. I developed a persona that wasn’t sophisticated or attractive, but I was too traumatized to imagine how I appeared in the world. I was surviving a painful home life that only other victims and survivors could understand. It looked perfect, I’m sure, to those who didn’t look too closely.
It was anything but perfect, yet I was intent on making it look wonderful, so I had something to hang the lies upon. I was desperate to remain married for the sake of the family I had vowed my life to, and that made me super easy to manipulate.
I remember every morning, towards the end of my first marriage, having to figure out whether we went to bed with him mad at me, or if we were okay this morning. My central nervous system was in a constant state of alert, so I pounded caffeine for energy to survive the life that looked awesome but was giving me cancer.
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please stay in touch at https://charlottessoul.com/
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