I used to love the holidays,
the decorating, the distraction from my own painful day-to-day living a lie as I hid my very lonely reality as an abuse victim. During the holidays, it seemed everyone was in great spirits. The holidays were among the few times I could hold onto, reinforcing the illusions required by my survival mode to validate the lies I believed about my life and keep me alive.
Unfortunately, abusers don't take holidays from hurting their victims.
While festive things happen in the world and appearances are enhanced, victims still get hurt behind closed doors, possibly with acceleration, as narcissists don't have the skills to handle their emotions. Hence, they take all things out on a victim who loves them and is willing to overlook unfathomable pain for the sake of the relationship, without accepting that they are being abused.
Holiday abuse can feel worse because the empath is fueled by hope. They project their goodness onto the beast they so love, while overlooking the cruelty that is mixed with pretend-tender gestures and uncharacteristically kind public appearances, gifts, or "thoughtful" cards. Regardless of how everything has played out in the past: the horrific, painful, and neglectful patterns, with no exceptions or sign of true progress; the innocent empath believes the monster will finally show up differently than who they have proven themselves to be.
The victims allow survival mode to create a false scenario with the tragic facts. Altered reality convinces them that they are loved despite the feelings of unworthiness and neglect. Victims believe wholeheartedly that if they just work or love harder, they will receive that effort back. This is the biggest lie a victim believes until the point they realize the truth and step from the abusive reality into heartache and rejection like they never dreamed. They are forced to let go and become a survivor facing a new world without familiarity from their past.
There's a guilt in grieving what you've lost when God's providence is so perfect. I have to give myself grace as I work to embrace the present while wrestling with emotions of loss. I am ever working on releasing what I hoped would become of the past while embracing God's perfect provision. The guilt and shame that I used to camp on are no longer louder than God's Holy Spirit that fills me with love, but I do relapse on occasion. Time is the greatest healer of all, and I am one of those who can attest that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
The past few years have been filled with floods of tears as I navigated the devil's lies that somehow, I failed as a mom, and that was why I was rejected by the people I gave my all to for so long. I was mentally ill when I was in survival mode. I regret that as a mom of four sons, I wasn't the best version of myself, but I did an incredible job in a world where I basically had my tongue removed while being forced to serve and be small to be accepted. Despite my emotional shortcomings, I loved and cared for the children God gave me like no other. The loss left me inconsolable for the better part of three years, but I am finally moving on and peacefully embracing the bounty God has given me.
No tears this year. I was so satisfied with God's perfect provision; I didn't feel the weight of my loss until everyone left. It was incredible to go through the holidays with the assurance that I mattered to those in my home. There was no drama or wondering what was being said about me when I left the room; it was simply a place for those who chose to be there for Thanksgiving to enjoy the time and bounty at their own authentic pace, which was graciously accepted by all. We were blessed with two only children who are "cousins" and have grown up together, even if they only see each other a few times per year. My best friend Katie is going through her first year with the devastating loss of her dad, with a best friend who can't begin to empathize. She felt lonely, for sure, but she was among those who love her and have her back, and that's the love that will saturate my holidays moving forward. Previously, I thought holidays were about how things looked, but now that I've recovered from the traumatic effects of abuse, my holidays will forever be joyful, surrounded by the love I've longed for all my life.
Most of the people I have met in the past three years met me while I was crying. My sweet cousin from my new family let me spew my pain, then patted my back in a loving embrace and whispered in my ear, "That's all over now." I have finally gotten to a place where I believe her, but the toll on my central nervous system, the echo in my soul from the loss, was beyond anyone's worst imagination. All the while I was going through unbearable loss, God was filling my cup with a life I could only have dreamed of, with an overwhelming number of people who love me and whom I love right back.
I can assure you that an abuse victim will never be part of my identity again. Unfortunately, as much as I am not safe around those who intentionally hurt me and have not repented in defense of their actions or as retaliation for my voice finally being heard, I am equally not emotionally safe around those who do not acknowledge what I have endured. There are so many in my past who I once would have done anything for, even as they mocked me. When I finally refused to make myself small, they increased the intensity and lied about me as I stood up to the abuse. I've faced incredible loss, but my new normal is completely independent of lies and abuse.
Cancer was the rock bottom that got my attention about caring for myself. I was suicidal from decades of abuse and neglect as I entered the cancer journey. Chemo was a beast, and I had to decide if I was going to fight for my life, and I did. My bullies were not mean to me while I was sick. In my naivety, I didn't see that it was for appearances. No one should beat up a dying soul, even my abusers understood that. When it became clear I would not die from the stage three rectal cancer, they all went back to their darkness and distance, but I was ready for a change.
I am accepting my new normal, embracing God's provision. I am humbly receiving the harsh reality that never crossed my mind as an option, before the loss. I know now that just because I invested decades of my life into my children, they have the free will to abandon me for the lies of people more convincing than my greatest effort at love. I now know how God feels when we reject Him for the lies of the world, and I understand the term 'prodigal' in a whole new way. Acceptance is the final phase of grief. Perhaps my heart will always hold a twinge of pain, but I am so grateful that time is helping me let go of my will and receive God's perfect provision.
If you are facing abuse, please understand it must get worse before it gets better, but God has and will never leave you or forsake you, just as He didn't leave me.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:4
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please stay in touch at https://charlottessoul.com/
#charlottessoul
#spoiledrottenrichkidadifferentkindoftrauma
#thebibleonnarcissisticabuse