Understanding that my abuse was not my fault took a lot longer than anyone might imagine. Logically, we all know abuse is not the victim's fault, but the devil is the author of narcissism and uses lies and people who are willing to tell them, to destroy innocence.
Abuse victims are not in touch with themselves or reality. Survival mode shuts down truth while enabling individuals to appear normal in a public pretense that keeps them alive. The truth is neither accessible nor beneficial to the survival of an abuse victim.
An altered reality is developed, and that is why abuse victims believe they are loved when no one else would see it that way, if they were to know the truth behind closed doors.
If abuse were not so secret, it would be obvious to anyone else that the victim is not valued. If outsiders were to see reality, they would help victims learn that what felt like care from a "loved" one was actually deep harm, but people deny the victim's reality and stand with the abuser.
No one on the outside of the relationship can see reality because of the emotionally immature culture that develops for generations and the dedication to a 'perfect' facade that is in place to hide the socially unacceptable parts of narcissism.
People lose their lives to guard the secrets of abusive environments fiercely, and most don't understand why the victims didn't just leave.
There is a familiarity in the pain and pretense that authenticity otherwise illuminates, so transparency is not permitted in toxic home environments. No one knows how to behave around the truth shining in the hallways of lies, so the goal is to turn out the light, and that is done through narcissistic abuse, slander, and emotional neglect, at the very least.
If left unmanipulated and free of too much pain to function normally, the truth will shine light in a dark place. The goal of narcissism is to maintain darkness.
Light causes generations-long chains, made up of lies and pretense, to be broken. If the devil can prevent the light from shining through narcissistic abuse, the chains continue to hold all participants back from the radiant success we were all designed for. The light that God puts into those who are frequently abused has the power to loosen the footholds of evil. This serves as a deep threat to the king of the world, who works to keep us in the dark.
Abuse is used to turn out the light of those who threaten to expose the darkness.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12
Individuals like me, who can't keep secrets because of the pure and honest way God designed us, are shunned in narcissistic environments and ultimately serve as a scapegoat, bearing the shame for the group that feels superior in the way they compare and slander one who loves them profusely and can't see the cruelty.
When a scapegoat is in place, everyone plays the part of keeping them down, whether they realize it or not. Silence when you know something is wrong is how people remain abused.
With a scapegoat, no one else has to self-reflect; all negativity is projected onto the innocence of the light-bearer. When abuse is successful, the darkness will prevail. There will be something to keep the loyalty, in my case, it was money.
The kingpin abuser and the flying monkeys who refuse to use their minds hold the painful reality in place with their inability to see reality. Members of abusive cults lose the ability to see what is real and fail to act appropriately by standing with the victim. Most often, "loved" ones end up supporting behavior that sends an innocent, loving person, the scapegoat, to be further lied about and kicked to the curb for breaking the silent code of deceit.
The first lesson in surviving abuse is who your people are. After all you've endured that forced you to leave your hopes, dreams, and the endless effort to make things work, you realize you're the only one who cares enough to change. It becomes painfully obvious right away that your support system is not who you thought it would be. That's the big pain where your strength begins to overtake the victim who formerly believed in people's masks because reality was terrifying.
Reality remains a mystery to victims before they escape. They don't realize that they are trusting a lying monster who sets the stage for their innocence to turn on them until they are destroyed by self-loathing and a toxic dependence on the one who tricks all childlikeness for fun.
For too many children, their first bully was the first person to hold them. The disdain, abuse, and neglect are normal to the child who bears light before anyone else has a chance to acknowledge that they are lovable.
The self-esteem of a victim born into an abusive home is what we see in many people who have lost their dignity. So many people are adept at hiding oceans of pain that hold them in prison. No one believes them or can see outside of their own box, so the abuse is maintained.
Narcissistic abuse is darker and more evil than anyone who has not endured it can fathom. Survivors are the ones who can substantially support other victims because we believe what we hear after what we've experienced. Others see our reality as an exaggeration because they have never had to experience the deep darkness of having someone lead you to believe they love you while they abuse and neglect you and call you crazy for not feeling the appropriate emotions around how they pretend to feel.
Abuse is an illusion, and it's very real. Don't get me wrong, it is fatal, but it is not as real as the mind believes. Victims believe what is presented because we would not ever consider lying to hurt another person to feel better about ourselves. The evil of narcissism never crosses the mind of innocence.
Think about how traumatic terrorism felt when you first became aware of people who intentionally hurt others for fun. People were in shock at the depth of evil others could partake in. Narcissism is at the foundation of terrorism; it exhibits complete disrespect for anyone's life. It is used to make the wicked feel satisfied by destroying innocence.
Stepping away from abuse means a complete loss of all things familiar. Detachment from toxicity is required before mental clarity replaces survival mode. Eventually, people accept the unimaginable loss of what was believed to be love in exchange for complete freedom from toxicity.
Liars hide themselves to maintain a charade that hurts more than just the scapegoat. It destroys the scapegoat's life, and others may know it but don't dare to stand for righteousness. God is not revered in homes of pretense; therefore, His authority and ways are mocked out of extreme ignorance and ego-centricism.
Trauma numbs one's mind to a childlike state where fear replaces innocence. In abusive environments, only God is available for care and support. Victims become reliant on abusers without knowing that families are often jealous of them. All will lie and gaslight, or maybe just stay silent as the victim fails, blaming oneself without suspecting the person they love so much is a bully. Narcissistic abuse is grotesque, especially when it is all children know.
No loving parent could fathom any parent designed to fiercely protect, lovingly nourish, and support their offspring, unleashing such wicked darkness onto their innocent child.
Disbelief provides fertile soil for abuse to continue.
I have recovered from over fifty years of debilitating trauma from narcissistic abuse. I see clearly now. I have painstakingly moved away from those I now realize have been serving as enemies, while God has surrounded me with many who show me love and support. My heart was shattered before God remade it and let me realize my story was needed so He could use me to support so many others.
ADHD, dementia, and other effects of unhealed trauma are rampant because people don't know how to be. Previous generations could or would not do the chain-breaking work that many are forced to do today. In many bloodlines, madness was accepted as normal as long as it was hidden.
Warriors like I've been forced to become, stand up and say, "Never again, not in my bloodline!"
Many dysfunctional families may not have been abusive, but had parents too traumatized by the instability of all the pretense that comes in environments where people are not comfortable in their own skin.
Self-reflection is required to be healthy.
Too many try to pretend to be someone they're not, which confuses children. Homes of pretense where image replaces reality and secrecy equals acceptance are dark places for lightbearers to be born. Empaths are those whom God sent to break generational chains of evil. The pain will break us as God remakes us in front of all who saw the demise.
Abusive parents perpetually tell lies designed to damage their child's self-image and the way others will disregard them once the truth comes out. Pretending becomes the only way of life in toxic homes.
The fear of connecting with reality makes self-reflection impossible; sarcasm replaces connection, and drama alleviates stillness.
"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
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