There is a fine line between giving someone grace for their raging bad mood vs. enabling someone. Do you let it go or do you call out their behavior making them feel the pain for their decisions?
With addiction in my home, I found my way to Al-Anon Family Groups. I learned that I can love someone who is not seeking treatment for whatever is ruling their live. I also learned that I can detach from the dysfunction so it does not dominate my life or others in my care.
It is painful when you desperately love someone, provide for him or her, offer forgiveness, and extend grace, without a shift in behavior. At some point, you find yourself losing your own sanity. Meanwhile, that individual is avoiding getting help. They exist in the shelter of your provision. You suffer. You feel like you are crazy, continuing to provide for your loved one who remains in his or her illness.
It takes great faith and restraint to tell someone you deeply love, “Enough!”
- Sometimes this boundary means leaving the vow you made many years ago to stay through good times and bad.
- Sometimes it means blocking the phone number of a child you gave your all to, in order to bring them the best opportunities in life that you could.
- Sometimes it means choosing friends over family at the holidays because life is hard enough without surrounding ourselves with people who bring out the worst in us or use us as punching bags for their own pain and unmanaged issues.
Is someone else’s life making you crazy? Are you obsessing over the poor choices of someone you love?No one wants to go to Al-Anon, counseling or even to God for help. We want to be able to handle things on our own, but those of us who have surrendered to the recovery system know how life changing it is to care for yourself and accept that in some circumstances the best thing you can do is model for another what self-care looks like, but don’t enable that person under your roof.
Resources:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are