I was a girl who lived in perpetual fear. I’d watch the news and think, ‘I better do everything I can to make sure these horrible events don’t happen to me.’ If you live your life that way, you never have space for joy. I know that from experience. I had good times but the good times came in flashes, and they never measured up to what I hoped.
I had a God-sized void in my soul.
In my fundamental Christian walk I believed if I did what God wanted, I’d achieve joy. I was told to submit, stay married, love my enemy, do good deeds, and on and on.
I hid my truth from others as well as myself.
In my thirties, I had four sons to raise, my husband traveled the world growing his career. He left me behind feeling so invaluable and undesirable yet I believed firmly that if I held my Christian convictions, I’d be saved from the pain. In a roundabout way that is what happened. But only because I was in such dire, close-to-suicide pain. I refused to succumb to the aches in my soul, but rather I cried wholeheartedly out to Jesus, and as promised, He was there.
I learned how to live in the mire of toxicity. Disguised in a big, pretty, Christian bow, no one could see the truth. That included me! I was under the destructive power of denial. I regret the effect on my poor children. I inadvertently betrayed them by hiding from the truth. My thoughts told me I was protecting them. I thought it was a gift to keep the family together despite our dysfunction.
Jesus came and met me. He loved me when I felt so unlovable.
I was married to someone who did not tell me he loved me. He did not hold my hand. He did not touch me affectionately. He did not tell me I was pretty. He did not desire good things in my life that did not directly serve him. I, on the other hand, tried harder and harder and harder trying to measure up to receive the approval I was desperate for.
I did eventually receive approval when I began looking for it in the only place anyone really finds joy, in the heart of my Maker.
I gave up anticipating basic love from the man whom I so tirelessly served. I found satisfaction from my God who loved, loves and will always love me, just for who I am!
Jesus saved me as I turned to Him with all my cares, worries, shame and regret. He revealed to me that the source of His love is not from adhering to His Word, but rather from remaining in Him. He embraced me, providing more than any man ever could, or ever will.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Do you want to experience joy deep in your heart?
Do you want to fill the void?
Do you want to explore the longings of your soul?
Doing serious soul work with me as your life coach can help you take stock of what is really going on in your life. It can help you move from fear to faith and even deep abiding joy!
Connect with me for a free thirty-minute coaching session where we will explore the longings of your soul. We’ll co-create a plan that will have you singing a song the fearful little girl within you longs to sing!
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