One of the greatest tools I am using on my road to recovery
from the traumatic effects that I have endured by thinking I was loved by people who were, in fact, bullying, neglecting, and trying to snuff out my light, is the Bible.
I am once again participating in one of my favorite Bible studies, Bible Study Fellowship. It is an international study that anyone can join. Please look into it in your area or consider joining online. Bible Study Fellowship is where I have learned most of what I know about the Bible.
This year, we are studying 'Exile and Return: A Time to Build'. I'm learning a great deal about how God deals with sinful, unrepentant nations and individuals. I'm also learning about the human soul as I see how leaders who build foundations on things other than God have no convictions or reliable understanding of healthy, effective leadership.
I am seeing how patient God is, wanting everyone to repent and turn to Him, while also seeing how just He is towards those people and nations who refuse righteousness and salvation. Just, meaning He makes sure evil is punished even when people believe they have gotten away with something. He gives ALL an opportunity to repent. He wants us all to be with Him and gives everyone the right to free will to choose good or evil, making clear the absolute consequences that are to be expected around the choices we make here on earth.
I'm familiar with the beginning of the Book of Daniel because I have started Beth Moore's study many times and had to quit for one reason or another. As I study Daniel once again, I find myself in a new situation, and God is comforting me with fresh eyes to familiar content.
As I once again study the smart, talented, godly young men who were exiled to Babylon, I think of how my children were led astray from my love, loyalty, and the godly foundation I provided them by godless, foundationless, cowardly leaders who hide their deep weaknesses under heartless control, ego trips and the allure of pomp and circumstance that does not glorify God.
The exiles were led from love and godly value systems into a place of objectification. The young men's individuality was dismissed outside of their physical appearance and ability to succeed. They were used by a heartless leader whose ego and slavery to appearance took precedence over relationships.
I find hope because, after all the cruel and inhumane things he did, he ultimately saw and honored the God of all things. Nebuchadnezzar could not deny the power of God through the miracles He saw from the unrelenting commitment and loyalty of the exiled young men, and he eventually bent his knee to God, recommending that all people moving forward do the same:
"King Nebuchadnezzar to all peoples, nations, and languages that dwell in all the earth: Peace be multiplied to you! It has seemed good to me to show the signs and wonders that the Most High God has done for me.
How great are his signs,
how mighty his wonders!
His kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and his dominion endures from generation to generation." Daniel 4: 2-3
Watching the transformation of Nebuchadnezzar makes me beleive the narcissists in my life can see the power of God also, and the hardened hearts might also be softened in the grace and mercy of a loving God who forgives all who ask.
My sons have been lured by lies, deception, and the material bounty that replaced real relationships in my background. They were systematically turned from my love and are now under a lying leadership that despises the light shining through their mother. The leadership I fled operates in the dark and could not stand my light, so they collectively worked to extinguish it, but God had other plans for my life.
"No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
and their vindication from me, declares the Lord."
— Isaiah 54:17
I spent most of my life wishing I were dead because I longed to be loved. I thought what I had was love until God rescued me with my second husband, who is dedicated to making me feel the love and security I did not have in my narcissistically abusive past that I was forced into silence about until now.
My four sons were offered the ways of the world and have no doubt been told exactly what I was indoctrinated with, believing that the whole "Jesus" thing is a joke. They led me to think weak people leaned on Christ, the Bible was written by nice men, but not relevant for today. All the lies used to brainwash me by the godless leaders of my past have moved me out and themselves into the loyalty of my sons.
I am powerless, and that is where God wants me to be. My prayers are effective, but I rest in God and His timing and plan as I move forward to care for the work He has given me. My children have moved away from my love, but God has filled my life with loved ones and many young women who have found a home in my heart.
Following God is satisfying even in the worst situations because He lets us know He's doing something and that we can trust Him, and I do.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28
I am finally well enough to have recovered from the debilitating pain of thinking somehow I failed as a mother before recognizing the spiritual battle that is on for the souls of my offspring. Because I'm reading the Bible, I have hope as I face a loss that a previous version of me would not have survived.
As tempting as the king's lifestyle was, the young men refused to compromise the purity with which they had been raised. Seeing the resolve of the young men in the Bible gives me hope for my sons. My value system was seemingly shut off through the lies that my children were told about me, as the devil lured them into his filth, but the foundation I poured into them of love, loyalty, and the freedom to all who receive Jesus will remain.
As I watch the Israelite exiles respectfully choose righteousness no matter what they are offered or how they are threatened, I find hope that perhaps the years I dedicated to showing love and a wholesome value system to my sons before they were lied to about me will somehow surface. Apart from me, they face the glorified sin that isn't a part of my values system or lifestyle, while being immersed with those for whom sin is not an issue because there is no fear of the Lord or respect for the Bible.
The love and loyalty of my four sons were driven away by people who don't value love and relationships. People who use money to create illusions and operate as if they were in control don't see the human soul, but sure know how to make it seem as if they care.
The rejection of my sons, the most unnatural of things for a male child to turn from his loving mother, shows the depth of wickedness and deception that people who are sold out for Christ face in narcissistically run environments.
I endured deep pain after facing incredible disrespect and rejection from my children because of the wicked role models who see women as those to meet needs, but never anyone worthy of respect and loyalty.
The lies they have been led to believe about me from my family of origin made living almost impossible. When my children rejected me after all I had been through, I almost lost my life, but I didn't, and now I am not the same. I am as strong as any mother would be who had her father and other family members deceive her children away from her greatest effort at being a mom.
When they abandoned my love for the ways of the world and the lies of the devil, it changed my entire life. I know now I needed such deep pain to be willing to do the work that I've done, which was required for me to become who I am outside of the horror into which I was raised, where love was replaced with money, and children were forced to be grateful for the materialism, even though I was desperate for love.
God used the almost unsurvivable pain to shatter me so that I would find gratitude in what He's provided instead of letting my life pass with wishing I had my will instead of His perfect provision. From my shattered state, He would find the freedom to remold me after the central nervous system trauma I endured before now from the deplorable way I was treated by those who led me to believe I was loved.
Surviving the suffering transformed me into the warrior I am today, driven to fight against evil. Once I lost my most beloved possessions, God found His rightful place in my heart, which is all I ever needed.
I know now that the almost life-ending pain of being rejected by my sons, whom I had given my very all, was required to destroy my ignorant will and strengthen my resolve for what really matters, my Lord God and His son Jesus.
Now more than ever, I can share all I know about my experience and how the devil uses narcissism to try to destroy trusting good hearts, even one's own children, who do not recognize evil that exists in many families while being cloaked as love.
The choice of exiled Israelites that the king chose to mold into his worldview were Shadrack, Meshach, and Abednego.
"Then the king commanded Ashpenaz, his chief eunuch, to bring some of the people of Israel, both of the royal family and of the nobility, youths without blemish, of good appearance and skillful in all wisdom, endowed with knowledge, understanding learning, and competent to stand in the king's palace, and to teach them the literature and language of the Chaldeans." Daniel 1:3–4
The exiles were forcibly removed from their homeland and made to live among the flamboyant sinners of Babylon. My hope comes from knowing that the Israelite young men would not defile themselves or their upbringing by participating in the darkness offered to them, even though they were surrounded by sin. They knew the truth among a crowd of people who traded the truth for the lies and temptations of the world that don't require character, integrity, or sacrifice, outside of the selling of one's soul to have an encounter with pleasure.
If you don't read the Bible, you do not know how desperately God loves you or how He has designed you to live for your greatest prosperity. If you don't read the Bible, you do not understand human nature and how normal you are.
The Bible is a love letter for human beings that contains everything we need to know about living a prosperous life.
Go to a Bible study. You may not know much about the Bible, and I can assure you that the people in the group will welcome you like you've never been welcomed before.
If you are someone who cannot comprehend the Bible, that is because you have not asked God for His Holy Spirit by giving God your sin, and all the shame in regret that comes with it, in exchange for His Holy Spirit, who fills you with love and all the attributes one longs for and receives in Christ.
To understand the Bible and receive Christ's Holy Spirit, we must all pray a prayer along the lines of this:
Dear God,
I have sinned against you, I cannot control myself, and I need a savior. Jesus, I believe that you willingly died a horrifying death on a cross so that my sins would be atoned for and I can walk freely on this earth and into eternity.
Having received Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I am now a complete heir to the throne of God and can expect all kinds of blessings, including the ability to understand the Word of God.
Thank you, Jesus, for saving me, and thank you, God, for leaving us your Word. Please help us to value it and allow it to renew our minds continually.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please stay in touch at https://charlottessoul.com/
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