Many of us step from our insecurities into a “safe” environment with someone whom we hope will satisfy the deep longings of our soul.
We feel we have finally found the person who will be the cure-all for our hidden wounds.
We find ourselves empowering someone who loves power.
We lose ourselves in the illusion of their strength and the pretense of their care.
We are much stronger than we know, and they are far more insecure than we realize.
However, that truth does not surface until time has passed. We end up abandoning ourselves to the ‘great’ wisdom and leadership of someone who cares ultimately for their own needs.
This person realizes we are a perfect caretaker. He or she guards the relationship with just the right amount of attention necessary to keep us committed, without having to make any significant sacrifice. He or she realizes we will do almost anything to please them and to build them up. It is not until we have escaped the chains of emotional abuse that we see how weak our partner has become. Thank God, in this journey, we have been steadily growing our inner strength and we have enough power to move on.
Below is a journal entry. I reflect on how I ended up in an abusive marriage.
May 19th, 2015
I remember when we first met. I had just finished my freshman year in college. My self-image was distorted, as it always had been. When he first put his hands on me, he said with surprise, “You are not big!”
I had clearly sent the nonverbal cues, stemming from my negative belief system. Maybe it was the baggy clothes hiding my figure; a silent message that I radiated, “I am fat.” Having someone acknowledge that I was not huge, made me feel noticed.
I was not fat, but I certainly believed I was.
There I was in bed with a 23-year-old man; I was 19. He had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, and he was with me!
That was where it all started.
Our chemistry was powerful, mixed with my major insecurities he was helping cover up. I could not believe this guy liked me.
I did not have any reason to think my worth existed anywhere outside of the size of my body, my clothes and the texture of my skin. I had never been told I was valuable; I had no idea. So, when this guy took an interest in me, and of course he was better than me because he was handsome, older and powerful, I got sucked in. There was nothing in my soul that said, “No, I won’t sleep with you because you have done nothing to deserve that from me.” Rather I was thinking, “Oh my God, you are willing to be with me?”
I felt so lucky!
On our first date, we met at his apartment. He asked me to drive to his home; he did not pick me up. By mistake, I pulled into the parking lot in the back. He was waiting out front. When we finally connected, he was angry because I had gone to a different parking area than he was expecting. I did not think ‘what a jerk, the date is over!’ Rather, I was so excited he took an interest in me that I vowed: “I will get it right, I will be so great that he won’t be mad anymore.”
And so, it began.
I was 19; he was 23. I was insecure. If he was, I had no idea. In my eyes, he was a God. That first date he took me to New York City to stay at a friend’s apartment. I was a girl from Texas. This was the be-all-end-all of first dates. I forgave the short temper, I really wanted to go.
The Uptown apartment was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. He was clearly close friends, as he was in their wedding pictures. Later I found out his ‘friend’ was actually his sister. I never realized he felt the need to lie to me. I allowed him to cover up of his true Identity. I overlooked the dishonesty so I could have the ideal.
Immediately, we were inseparable. Our relationship was built on a steady foundation of sex. Anything I believed in or considered a priority prior to meeting him, was not worth keeping, compared to being with this “God-of-a-Man.” By the end of the first weekend, we were glued together. The feeling of being with him outweighed everything else in my 19 years.
I began to abandon myself.
This “God-of-a-Man,” now my ex-husband, and I circled the merry-go-round of emotional abuse for five years before we finally decided to marry. There was nothing in me that understood marriage is not something that you enter for the occasional ‘good time.’
It took me 28-years from that first date before I valued myself enough to listen to my soul. I realized that I will not tolerate living my life walking on eggshells around someone else’s temper and need for control.
I listened to the voice deep within that told me I deserve more. That voice emanated from my soul. That is where I started my soul work.
My soul spoke to me saying, “I am much stronger than I know, and he is far more insecure than I realize.”
I heard this message countless times over the years. I ignored the deepest part of myself. Do not make the same mistake.
Listen to your soul.
If you do not feel emotionally safe in any environment, you are not in God’s will. Please take advantage of my free 30-minute coaching session, download my free journal, and share my material with those you know need to hear this message. Please add your name to my mailing list so that you won’t miss any updates. Consider having me speak or run a Soul Work breakout session at your next event.