One of the ways my wealthy background used money to control me included making me believe people were only interested in my presence because of the money that I was born into.
It was clear, at least in my father's eyes, that I was of no value without my inheritance. He reminded me of my loathsomeness every time I shared that it looked like people valued me.
"No, no, no, they just like the money that is associated with you." No one cared about me in his eyes. He was my father; he was where I went for validation. As a result of the neglect and abuse from the ones I turned to for love and support, I had the most scathing self-image.
I was forced to hide my authentic self, being led to believe I am an abomination without utilizing the insincere, outdated, unrealistic social requirements that were aspiring to that of the Royal Crown, for the narrow socioeconomic circle into which I was born in 1969. Women were not acknowledged as intelligent, although we were. In an isolated part of Austin, Texas, a good-old-boy network was in place that kept many women in the same bondage.
I'm the first to talk about it. My voice is muddying the waters for those who have more of a facade to hide behind than a sturdy family foundation that comes when people acknowledge God as the giver of all things and strive to let go of things like ego in exchange for God's Holy Spirit of love in a self-reflective lifestyle.
One of the things I remember my dad saying frequently, as if he was yelling to a pesky dog, "Hush, Charlotte, Hush!" My dad was the first person to ever unsubscribe from my blog; he didn't want to hear my voice. He shut it down and controlled me in his presence with cruel shaming behavior that manipulated me and hijacked my mind into my 50s when I bravely cut the metaphorical noose, knowing I was likely walking away from future inheritance.
It was the most liberating thing I've ever done, and subsequently, I found my breath and voice like never before.
When he couldn't shut me down, he went after what I valued most: my sons. He used the money that had been worshiped in our home instead of God, to manipulate the 20-something young men, to turn from my love towards his wealth.
I know now I was suicidal all my life because he didn't want my light shining into his darkness. Taking my children would seemingly make me end my life. Admittedly, I came close when the social media images of my children seemingly thriving with my family in my absence left me gasping for air, but as God would have it, it had an opposite effect.
"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." Genesis 50:20
Having lost everything and everyone that had ever mattered to me, and it was there at my lowest low that I realized God and the husband He blessed me with were enough to usher me into my new healthy identity. Without my sons, I had nothing to lose, so I could finally share freely and as much as I could to help so many other abuse victims.
My whole life, I tried to prove to my father and others that I am worthy of love. No one could see it, and all treated me as if there was something significantly wrong with me. They pointed out all my unique character traits to highlight my problems, so I would understand how embarrassed I should be about anything that didn't fully reflect the family image. Controlling, degrading behaviour was upheld and accepted because of the trust funds and the family businesses. I was not aware of plans designed to control future generations of my bloodline.
There was a belief system that I was ignorant and not worthy or capable of understanding the details of my financial situation, leaving me dependent on those who only cared about controlling me. We now know I'm far from ignorant; that was just my physiological response to the traumatic abuse, neglect, and mistreatment by my caretakers until now.
In 2019, my father and a few family accomplices made a grandiose hoax to lure me away from the safety of my husband and lie to me in my most vulnerable state after days of making me think they cared for me. It was like Carrie thinking she was the prom queen before the pig's blood was dumped on her, Stephen King's book/Movie Carrie.
I know now it became evident to the controlling nature of my father, who thought he had ruined me because of the pitiful state, that I was making sound, healthy decisions on my own (in my 50s). Bryan was providing a safe place for me to find my voice, and that was never part of the plan; my dad never believed anyone could love me. They did everything possible to break up my incredibly healthy second marriage. Without the wisdom that was forfeited for wealth, they had no understanding that we are a Christ-centered couple; they didn't stand a chance, no matter how clever they were.
"So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6
Rather, God would use the undeniable, despicable wicked scheme to remove the masks that I had been believing in my whole life. Think of Red Riding Hood thinking the wolf was her loving grandmother. I had no idea of the true identities of the people in my family, whom I sincerely believed loved me. I was born into a charade and never could see reality. I had incredible innocence as they gaslit, mocked, and slandered me into believing I was taking up space from more worthy people and that I needed to remain small if I was to remain at all.
In 2019, when the scales fell from my eyes, I would face the most emotionally lonely road anyone could take. I barely survived, but I did, and it changed me, and now I know my worth; no cowardly, egotistically earthly father will ever project his ugliness onto me again. My Heavenly Father has become everything to me and has led me to the still waters of understanding how valuable I am to God and those He has ordained to be touched by Him through my testimony of His love and provision. He has now and forever proved that I am enough simply because I am His daughter.
My dad had been lying to me my whole life so that he could control me. I was deprived of the exposure to a lifestyle that I could maintain on my own, and I remained subject to the sick manipulation that came when authentic relationships were replaced with financial transactions that required overt gratitude in place of personal connection and emotional security.
Trying to convince me that the man who prays every day to be a better husband didn't love me was the last lie that shattered my rose-colored glasses. Many forms of denial served my necessary survival mode as a way to prevent me from seeing how cruel and selfish my father and his accomplices were towards my kind, tender, trusting heart.
He tried to make me believe Bryan married me for money and that Bryan didn't/doesn't love me.
"No one as wonderful as you seem to think he is would ever be interested in someone like you." The words that proved to me how little I mean to my father.
It's been years of intense recovery work as I've allowed God to lead me out of denial into the safety of the able arms of my godly husband and our Christ-centered marriage. I finally see the wickedness of Satan, who is profusely threatened by the light God has put in me.
In recovery, I've developed mental clarity for the first time. I can see God sent Bryan to create a fertile foundation for me to blossom. I am now able to reach many abuse victims worldwide with my story of hope. Bryan protects me from the lies and heinous influence my past now has on my children, which has been used to hurt me.
I received the clear message of worthlessness, burdensomeness, and unlovability from the people I turned to for reassurance that I was worthy of being here. They used my pain to feel better about themselves.
My mistakes and shortcomings were perpetually brought up in front of others, whether I was there or not. I couldn't find anyone who loved me except my first boyfriend, who they made disappear because he wasn't from my socioeconomic circle. Think the Notebook, but instead of choosing a man who would be so loving even when Allie lost her mind, she chose her dad's pick. Instead of the love I longed for, I lost myself in the extension of my familial abuse in my first marriage, the blueprint that was offered for my sons to recognize my value, outside of what I could do for them.
I didn't have a choice about who I married if I was going to stay in the family. I had to let go of the first love I ever had. I know now it is spiritual warfare, but for so long, I believed the lies about me as presented in my family of origin.
For updates on my upcoming book, The Bible on Narcissistic Abuse, and to see my other titles, please stay in touch at https://charlottessoul.com/
#charlottessoul
#spoiledrottenrichkidadifferentkindoftrauma
#thebibleonnarcissisticabuse