Triggers of Pain, Human Response and God’s Grace, Mercy and Promises
I suffered emotional abuse for nearly 28 years.
It is hard for me to fathom today. I am sharing a journal entry written after I fled the toxic environment. I cried out to God for healing and forgiveness of my soul. I see now, less than two years later, how His provision surpassed anything I could have imagined.
The torment associated with loss and rejection was unbearable. I had a desperate desire to heal and leave it all behind me. I look back from a new place, where those feelings and reactions to triggers are a distant memory. I stand in awe of God and what He has done in spite of me. I praise God from my core and believe he keeps His promises.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
I hope you will learn from my willingness to be transparent about the pain, triggers, and human reaction. I want to model for you why I am so passionate about you doing your own Soul Work.
I steadily worked towards balance in my life:
Because I have done my Soul Work this reality seems so distant.
I am courageously sharing because I know my reactions are not unique to me. If someone can visualize how intense my pain was, yet see how far I have come from it today, perhaps it will offer hope.
June 20th, 2015
I was coming home from church. Life was feeling decent. I had a book event the night before showcasing Heartbeats for Cancer. When I shared my truth, the Hoy Spirit interrupted the event and I was prayed over by a room full of African-American believers. Let me just say; I have never experienced anything like that. God had His hands all over me that night and left me feeling peace in my storm.
I called my teenager. His rejection of me and neglect of my heart has been the source of unfathomable pain in my life lately. I just wanted to see him. I thought it might be possible to set the stage to bridge the gap between us. I know I have hurt him because of my suffering. He’s loved me enough to open up about his truth lately.
There is a trigger point in my soul. When two people in pain are connected, it is like putting two destructive sources of electricity together. Sparks fly uncontrollably, and there will be injury. That’s why I’m in recovery. I’m trying to heal that space in my soul so that it ceases to wound anyone who opens the hood of my heart and puts the jumper cables the wrong way on the battery of my wounds.
My past hurt me deeply.
Unfortunately, in response, I have hurt people with my character defects. I am in recovery. More defects will surface as I heal so that I can continue to become more Christ-like. In the meantime, I must have grace for myself, have grace for others and pray others will have grace for me.
So, I reached out to my son hoping to connect. He said, he couldn’t come. He stated, “Dad went to get the puppy and should be home soon.”
My range of emotions ran from:
Happy for him, to…
Glad I’m not getting a puppy right now! To…
Full-on fear that a new dog will ruin any chance of my kids ever coming here again to…
Jealousy because I can’t have a pet in my rented condominium to…
Relief because I don’t have a pet.
These kinds of events are going to continue to hurt in the future but the pain will pass, and it will lessen as I continue to heal.
My son ended up coming over. He was willing to communicate which I value so much. I was validating his pain, my shortcomings, etc. But he pushed too far. He pushed me beyond my capacity. Feeling like I might explode from the desperate feeling to be heard and understood, I had to leave the room. I didn’t want to hurt him with my words, as I have in the past. Not exploding forced me to keep the pain inside and it brought me close to throwing up. I experienced self-destructive reactions that I had not felt before. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to get drunk (I haven’t had a drink in like ten years). I was on the floor in such desperate pain. I wanted to hurt outside, to relieve the internal pain. I didn’t follow through with my perceived pain relief. The emotions passed. I calmed down and reunited with my son. I wonder if the motive of hurting me was because I hurt him that deeply with my words and he just needed to get me back.
Our words, neglect and lack of empathy can be strong weapons against those we love.
I am so sorry for anyone I’ve ever hurt, especially my husband.
In my new life, I pray, I will not freak out and hurt others when I am hurting uncontrollably.
You know my heart. You know my triggers. Lord, please heal the depths of my soul! When another person presses a button that is threatening to unleash the monster of pain, help me rest knowing that You are there as my guide, my Protector, my Constant Provider. Open the door to my heart take away my anger, so it does not encounter any human being again. I give you my triggers today Jesus.
I cannot believe how quickly and how powerfully God responded to my desperate pleas.
I pray you will download my FREE Soul Work Journal and check in on the areas of your life where balance will bring healing as it did for me. I’d love to speak or conduct a Soul Work workshop for your upcoming event.
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