What was, in my previous marriage, and what I hoped was there, were two vastly different things.

I experienced an internal conflict between what I knew to be true and what I was led to believe. My insecurities took precedence as I allowed my intuition to widdle away. Rather than facing the facts and risking the inevitable pain, denial kicked in and the problems continued to mount around me until life was unbearable.
When the facts deviate from our paradigm, denial is the coping mechanism that serves to provide a false sense of protection.

I eventually managed to flee. I was ready to amble out of denial, but not until I had developed a support system and a safe environment.

When the memories of lies and the evidence of truth collide, work must be done to rebuild intuition. This arduous process takes time but gets easier. Layer upon layer, scenario after scenario work is necessary to heal. Events and memories surface, either deliberately or by triggers from everyday life. With loving support and new tools, adjustments are made to override the deception with truth.

I am growing stronger on many levels, and I will not be vulnerable like I was in the past.

People wonder why many abuse victims choose to stay in relationships where they are battered, often to death.  Others don’t realize that there is a cycle fueled by hope, a forgiving heart, and a willingness to dismiss the facts. Also, the abuser meticulously knows just the right ‘make-up’ method to get the target to give it another round. Cycle after cycle the abuser manages down expectations and gets away with more and more.
When an abusive person realizes that they have reached a limit, when the target says “enough,” the vicious behavior comes to a screeching halt. Flowers, or whatever is needed to prove that things have changed, fuel the denial and cast the illusion of a miraculous transformation. The eager target gets lured right back in until they reach the next limit and the cycle spins around again.
Denial is a liar, “It isn’t that bad, look he’s changed, you are wrong, don’t quit now.”
Let’s take, for example, a spouse who has suspicions that their partner is unfaithful. The distrust arises from the missing emotional connection, coupled with mysterious behavior and clues. The optimistic party confronts the other with speculations and the deceit masterfully cover its tracks. A keen perception of the target’s vulnerabilities and the paralyzing fear of reality make it almost easy to fuel one’s sense of denial.
A person most likely to fall into denial is hopeful that what they have come upon or sense is false. They approach the devastating scenario with the desire to be proven wrong. Denial is a perfect breeding ground for fraud to rearrange truth and weaken the intuition of one so desperately longing for romanticism.

Denial can take you to the grave, but for me, I have begun to climb out of the fortress that gave me a false sense of safety for so many years.

Perhaps you are feeling an awareness about something in your life that you have built denial around. It may be someone you love whom, you suspect is hiding something, or you’ve confronted a clear issue, to be shot down by deceit. Often we get into denial over our behavior or realities.
If you feel led to address something in your life and would like to consider having me coach you, please contact me for a FREE 30-minute coaching session in a confidential, judgement free space where you can explore your own ideas and we can see if we are a good match to work together.