When you love an addict or someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, your God-given emotions are taken captive. Not only does addiction invalidate your truth, but it deceives others to turn against you too.
Codependents remain hopeful that things will change. Meanwhile, our emotions become steadily numb. Better not to feel anything at all, than to live with the doubt that our feelings are unsubstantiated.
In my previous marriage, I surrendered the emotion of excitement. If something good happened, I could enjoy it, but the pain of looking forward to an event would be too crushing when it fell short of my already low expectations.
I remember the final days of my previous marriage where toxicity ruled. Though I had tried to avoid the pain of unmet expectations, I could never actually protect myself adequately.
On my birthday, I hoped to hear “Happy Birthday.” As the day passed without my ex-husband acknowledging it, I eventually fell into tears. He didn’t forget it was my birthday; he could not celebrate me. I still didn’t understand that yet; I expected something that wasn’t possible.
When I wrote my first book, I again had unrealistic expectations. The sturdy box that authors love so much arrived. I was alone when I carefully sliced the packing tape and revealed the stacks of books that I had authored. I screamed like crazy with my own excitement. When my ex-husband got home, he saw the box, and he didn’t say a thing.
“Did you see? I wrote a book.”
“Yep.”
There was no celebration whatsoever. What should have been the greatest accomplishment in my life, came and went without so much as a congratulatory smile.
I never got used to the pain of spending hours getting dressed up and never hearing I looked beautiful. I was never prepared for the confusion when I needed someone to have my back, and my then-husband stepped aside.
In Al-Anon, we say that ‘seeking affection from an addict, is like looking for freshly baked bread in a hardware store.’
Trust me I am not alone. Many stray from the basic instinct of experiencing love and affection. We don’t see the need to flee the emotionally and often physically dangerous environment. Dodging passive aggressive darts is what we’ve come to know as normal.
I am learning to feel excitement again with my faith in God and my new Husband, Bryan. Daily, I am growing in my ability to trust. There is great recovery work that I am committed to for my soul. It will take time, and I do fluctuate between the grooves of my past pain and the healing balm of my present.
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. ~ Zephaniah 3:17 ESV
How is your environment? What do you need to change to make sure you are emotionally safe in your home?
Will you consider a free coaching call with me to see if God might use me to help you visualize something better that He has planned for you?