A lie that one is likely to believe in an abusive situation is, “You are not worth it.”
Most likely the abuser, or addict, believes they are not of value, so they project their self-loathing onto others. If one already possesses a rather low self-image, there is likely little within, to stand firm and say, “You are wrong!” Instead, one is likely to slowly believe the sick individual, to whom they have given great credence, in hopes of perhaps finding their own significance.
My true value became apparent when I received Christ as my Lord and Savior. It was instantly apparent that He chose me. It was not for anything I had done, but rather because my existence is of great significance to Him. That is why I love Him so very much. To be accepted as is is one of the greatest gifts we can receive.
It seems, up to that point in my life, that I felt I had to maintain an exterior image. I believed I had to be worth someone else’s approval. Jesus, on the other hand, picked me up of the bottom of the pond (where I saw myself) and said, “I created you. You are of great worth to me. I want to be with you, the real you, just as you are.” Furthermore, I heard Him communicate to me, “It is ok to embrace your worth. It is time to carry yourself with dignity. After all, you are mine!” Over time, I began to understand His message: “I am The King, and you are my daughter…that makes you a princess, no matter what!”
While I received the truth from God, I was in a marriage where I believed the message, “Your value is how you meet my sexual needs.” How harsh that sounds to some, and all too familiar to many more.
I still experience the emotional rut of unworthiness. I will continue my healing journey for years to come; although it does not define me. Often people feel unworthy because of what was modeled for them by their family of origin.
How will one feel of value in themselves if their parents do not value themselves?
As a byproduct of the unhealthy emotional state where I have dwelled is a hindrance to celebrate. In my wilder days, I would celebrate, as an occasion to overdo the substances. In sobriety, the celebration must be within my soul, and it is harder to attain. Celebration carries the tag “Worthy of the fuss.” Imagine one who would prefer not to celebrate a birthday; could it be they don’t feel worthy of being honored?
I often see a healthy distinction with the majority of my Black friends. The place I experience the antithesis of unworthiness is in my primarily Black church. I am astounded at the presence of honor and dignity like I have not seen before.
I remember when I first started attending. I was ruminating over what the ancestors of this body of worshipers went through; something I will never understand. Might it be identifying with the resilience through such trials, that brings forth the worthiness and celebration within, that I have never felt as a privileged white girl? Much was handed down to my ancestors and me; hardship was nothing like my Black friends’ ancestors. Is there guilt for the privilege versus the pride of the accomplishment of my Black brothers and sisters.
It is a great privilege for me to be welcomed into the presence of Our Lord, through such dignified worship. Worship at Hope Christian Fellowship Church is unlike any I have ever experienced before. It feels as though I am stepping away from earth and into Heaven. God’s Holy Spirit elevates the small building, leaving me with the feeling of Holy intoxication.
Forgive the stereotype as I am simply stating what I see.
On any given Sunday, many Black people, are dressed to the nines. It is an indication that they are showing up to the House of the Lord because they are worthy, but most importantly He is worthy of their utmost excellence.
I am humbled to be welcomed into a celebration of My Lord in a way that formalizes that which I have grown to take for granted or dare I say have often felt unworthy of? Where I worship, church members have titles that they have earned through dedication. They take their positions, their dress, and responsibility very seriously. Matching outfits and gloves are present for the Holy Communion. A symbol that reminds me of the sacredness of this honor to receive communion.
My church celebrates the accomplishments of its members; whether it is a graduation, an anniversary or anything one has worked for, there is an acknowledgment of the value of people.
This environment has provided a backdrop to reveal to me how I have developed a style that repels celebration. It is a level of dysfunction that I am aware of and going to leave behind in my old life. Be on the lookout as I continue to grow in self-worth and embrace celebration.
How are you doing with your worth?
Have you had a chance to begin the Soul Work Journal that is being offered free on my website before the book is released this summer? Your soul is worth it.
Have you checked in with yourself Spiritually ~ Environmentally ~ Emotionally ~ Physically?
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