Can you imagine walking through a supernaturally separated river, revealing a path of dry land?
After the trauma of severe plagues, the nation of Israel was on a massive relocation to somewhere completely unknown. Talk about trauma! When forty years of exile ended, it was time to enter the Promised Land, passing by the Red Sea.
You can imagine people experiencing spiritual, emotional, environmental, and physical triggers. Doubt, fear, fatigue and facts set into their minds and separated them from what they knew to be true about God.
Don’t we all fall victim to the same unbalance in our faith journey?
Numbers 21:4-5 (NIV)
4 They traveled from Mount Hor along the route to the Red Sea, to go around Edom. But the people grew impatient on the way; 5 they spoke against God and against Moses, and said, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!”
Can you relate?
God can deliver us from our circumstances. He has shown us that in our lives repeatedly. But when another trial arrives, fear shoves our faith to the floor. We become convinced God isn’t God anymore, or at least He won’t be able to handle this crisis. Our humanity suffocates our faith.
We question and doubt.
The Israelites walked THROUGH the Red Sea!
Stop for a moment and imagine what that was like…
Yet when they passed by it, 40 years later, they seemingly forgot they had an omniscient God.
I can’t begin to tell you the times in my life that blessings have come, that were no doubt only from God! Yet, when the next trial arrives, the fear sets in.
When our circumstances feel out of control; did God lose control, or did we just decide to doubt Him?
For most, going through a divorce is nasty business. It brings unprecedented pain. I am sharing with you a journal entry from some very dark days after I left my marital home. I want you to know where I have been so you can see what my God can do and will do. Today, I’m living in abundance in so many areas of my life. I had to walk by faith to get here. I had no idea what God would or could provide for me. I believed His promise to prosper and not to harm me. Even though I was hurting immensely, I clung to His promises. He exceeded anything I could have asked or imagined. I had to put one foot in front of the other and be thankful for what I had, regardless of my trials.
June 20th, 2015
The lawyers are starting with low blows. Mainly his, but mine is fighting back. I miss my home, my pets, my children and the man I love. I can never go back. The chaos has won. The sickness destroyed our home, destroyed the integrity of a man whom I once believed loved God and was willing to serve Him. The dysfunction is so powerful. I fought it for so long, but I have had to lay it all down and move on.
My weakness is my temper.
It rarely gets triggered these days, unless I feel trapped or unheard. It got the best of me a couple of weeks ago. I was shut down completely from access to our finances. I have never worked outside of the home. I believe he’s been trying to get me to go elsewhere for money to prove he won’t have to provide for me financially.
You never think your spouse will treat you like this.
I got a call from our storage company. We have a unit that is still in my name. I’ve been asking him to transfer it into his name for two months. They called to say the bill was overdue.
I am triggered.
He took my house.
He took the loyalty of some of my kids.
He took my pets.
He took my financial support.
He took my credit.
I must pay his nearly $400, storage fee. I must pay for my own storage unit, which is 1/8 of the size of his. He also has the furnishings of our home, from which I was forced to flee.
I never expected to be treated this way.
I peacefully fled the house but the continued abuse is stirring up feelings of hate and rage. It was wrong, but I lashed out in a text, “I hate you, I hope you rot in hell.” His disease likes it when I lose control. His passive aggression has pushed me to my boiling point, all these years. When we went to counseling my temper and hurtful words always took the spotlight over his passive aggression. I repeatedly ended up apologizing over and over for my behavior as those leaders in our Christian community fanned the flames of the lie. My anger was evident, while the passive aggression is invisible to anyone not involved. Never did our plethora of therapists ask my husband, “What did you do to push her to that limit?”
Only God knows my truth.
I am experiencing the same destructive force from one of my children. He pushes me to lose control. I can sense his satisfaction at my boiling over point. Somehow, when I lose control, he feels in control. The pain and confusion make me act in ways I deeply regret. I feel like I’m flailing in rough water, desperate to be heard while the rescue ship passes by insisting I explain how I feel before anyone will acknowledge my reality.
One son is wearing on me emotionally. I can’t tell if he’s trying to hurt me or if he is testing me to see if I’ll fight for him. He’s a teenager. I know this fact in my head, but my heart is deeply wounded. At his age, facing what he is facing, I know he has little capacity to think about my heart. He must be so confused and angry. I remember how I felt about my parent’s divorce. I wonder if he has developed his father’s demeanor towards women and me, in general. I pray for wisdom. I need to let go because I have developed physical symptoms that could lead to a reoccurrence of cancer. If I let go, my son might think I don’t care. The caring, however, is leading to some serious health problems.
I must let go and trust God.
I believe one day all my children will see the truth. I believe they will all show me honor and respect. It will take time. They had no model for how to care for the tender emotions of a woman like me. The rejection of some of them has been the most painful thing for me since I left. I poured my life into my children. I never imagined they’d turn their back on me.
I desperately need my children’s love and support. As painful as it is to feel rejection from them, in addition to leaving the comfort of my house, neighborhood, and the financial freedom that I was used to – I am grateful that I am safe. Being in a safe living space and creating a safe space for my other children is a reason to have great peace and gratitude. I can’t have it all. I search for what I am grateful for instead of focusing on the loss.
I have been praying for my new husband, whoever he may be. I look forward to my answered prayers, and all the years we will have together.
When I was living through those painful days, I had no idea that in less than two years I would be remarried to someone ideal for me. My new life is free of the old temper and frustration. I am emotionally safe. I still face challenges that trigger old wounds, and just like the Israelites, I can quickly forget what God has brought me through. When I look at my current trials, I work to remember what a mighty God I serve.
I will make a point to remember what He has brought me through instead of letting my current circumstances overtake me emotionally.
How about you?
Is there a time in your life that God has provided in ways you never imagined He could?
Is your soul longing to be brought back to the place of certainty of His provision?
It helps to reflect on times where He did the impossible, like parting a sea! We need to remember that though He does not shield us from trials, He is a promise keeper!
Do you know He’ll provide again through your current trial?
It is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”— the things God has prepared for those who love him—
1 Corinthians 2:9
Contact me for a free 30-minute coaching session to see if I might be the “someone” God has put in place to coach you through this season of your life. Let me show you how to do soul work.