When you suffer betrayal, you begin to develop callouses that barricade the tenderness of your soul.
The reason I trust God with everything I’ve got is that He has exhibited Himself to me, through the firestorms of my life. It’s not that He rescued me from them when He most certainly could have, but rather He joined me in them and proved to me He is enough in every circumstance. As the old hymn says “How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er,”
-Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus.
My faith wasn’t always that solid. In the early days of my walk with God, I was angry. God had saved my soul from Hell but did not fix my devastating marriage. To the best of my human ability, I did all I felt He was asking me to do as a Christian wife and for years I begged and pleaded for Him to change our marriage.
Despite my best effort and deepest prayers, it felt as though He wasn’t listening, concerning my marriage. Although I knew He isn’t a father who doesn’t listen, I was not able to see how He was crafting my dependence upon Him. Through my suffering, He was developing my faith that would later serve me through future storms, like learning I had stage three cancer or facing rejection from my very own child.
I was confused by His Word. I believed He called for me to submit to someone who was not leading in Christlikeness. I wanted to obey the Lord and His will for me, in my gut, however, I knew things were wrong. The abuse took on characteristics of accusations, “I’m not supportive of your speaking and writing. Therefore, it is not in God’s will. You are not a Christian wife; you are a hypocrite because you are not submitting to what I say and yet you go out telling others how to be a Christian woman.” I knew in my heart God’s call on my life was to speak and to write, I saw God reach others through the gifts He’d given me, but I was berated for following my own heart.
I was so unclear about God’s will. I begged God to change my circumstances, yet He did not. At times things, would change for a bit; abusive relationships have confusing honeymoon phases, but soon I found myself back in the valley of the shadow of death.
It was that long period of unanswered prayers that brought me to where I am today in my ability to trust God. I turned to God in my circumstances, and while He didn’t deliver me to emotional safety, He provided for me and showed me who He is. I learned in all things I can be content; He is enough, He is my rock. I learned to hide in the clutch of His wing no matter what went on around me.
No man will ever match His steadfast commitment to me, and God will never let me go, even in my deepest disbelief.
Now my trust is challenged again but on a different level. There are residual callouses from my past that I need to allow God to smooth out. He never fixed it, but God relieved me of that painful marriage in His perfect timing.
He blessed me with a new husband who is leading in Christlikeness and who is intent on loving me and being an instrument of God to heal my wounds. However, instead of wholly resting on the faith that got me here, I find myself fearful of loving my new husband too much. I know he will never betray me or mistreat me, but I know one day death will do us part. I find myself protecting my soul from that pain that may show up many years from now. I know I can never do that and protecting myself will separate me from the fullness of God’s blessings that come through the release of trust. I am working towards letting my heart trust what my head knows; God will provide for that day as He as all the days past.